Working through difficulties in friendships
Navigating difficulties rather than avoiding or suppressing them is an important part of maintaining friendships.
Difficulties with friends are tricky compared to colleagues and strangers because they involve shared personal experiences and managing the strong emotions that can come with those. Before addressing the issue, it may help to reflect on what the friendship means to you, the outcome you’re hoping for, and what you want to communicate. Taking time to write this down may help.
Staying calm
Before engaging in a conversation about a difficult situation, it is important to start from the assumption that everyone is trying their best with what they have. You want to address the issue while communicating calmly and respectfully. Approaching issues in a calm way can help you to be less reactive and defensive and give you a better chance of sorting things out.
Seeing their perspective
As you talk, try your best to see your friend's perspective and show empathy towards their feelings and experiences. It is important to remember that their perspective may be very different from yours.
Managing your emotions in the moment
Whilst having the conversation, manage your emotions by pausing, reminding yourself of what you want to communicate, breathing and reflecting on your own emotions to try and stay calm and in control of yourself.
Finding common ground
It is easy to get caught up in the differences that arise in the conversation, however, it is important to find a sense of common ground. You can find common ground by looking at areas where you collectively agree and develop a sense of shared understanding. Discussing your shared values could help anchor you and help you figure out what the next best steps are. The aim is to reach a space where you are really focused on resolving the issue together, and not trying to fix each other.
If you are finding it difficult to come to common ground and/or resolve the conflict, seeking the assistance of a mediator who is neutral in the conflict could be a great option. This mediator could be a counsellor or a mutual friend. However, it is important that they remain impartial and provide guidance and support in resolving the current issue.
Following-up
Navigating friendship difficulties can be an ongoing process that takes time. It is important to have follow-up conversations as well as following through on any agreements made to ensure that solutions and actions are implemented. Check in with one another to see how everything is tracking along and hold space for accountability.
The key is to try to slow things down where you can, zoom in, and move from a fully automatic response to a more considered and purposeful response that aligns with who you are and what you are seeking to accomplish.
Harvard Study of Adult Development
True friendship encompasses offering a hand to help and a heart to understand.
Ana
Te Herenga Waka student leader
For sample scripts and to learn more about approaching difficult conversations, visit this restorative conversation guide.